Spider-Man Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions WIRED
by jenniboo311
Summary: "Hey it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! And I'm about to do the Wired auto complete interview."


"Hey it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! And I'm about to do the Wired auto complete interview."

The masked vigilante is sitting in a director's chair in full costume and gives the camera a friendly two fingered salute before upbeat music starts to play. A title card displays, 'Wired Autocomplete Interview'. After a moment new text appears on screen, "Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet." Finally, the text changes to, "So WIRED asked Spider-Man some of the internet's burning questions".

The video cuts to Spider-Man holding a small piece of white cardboard with a graphic of a Google search bar with the words, "Does Spider-Man...". There are several strips of paper adhered to the board beneath it, obscuring the text under it.

"Does Spider-Man," he reads aloud while trying to snag the end of the first piece of paper to rip it off. The costume's glove, of course, covers the end of his nail so he struggles fruitlessly for about five seconds before shaking his head at his own stupidity and jabbing his pointer finger at the paper, engaging his stickiness, and ripping it off. He makes a triumphant noise while holding the finger in the air and his eye lenses squint in pleasure.

"Okay, let's try that again," he begins before realizing the paper is still stuck to his finger. He shakes his finger lightly, then more violently when it stubbornly sticks on. He waggles his fingers with a violent shake and it dislodges only to adhere to his middle finger instead. With a distressed noise he gives a final violent shake and it releases and flutters through the air to land on the ground.

Spider-Man coughs in embarrassment before moving on. "_Does Spider-Man wear shoes?_ Hmm," he muses. "Well, I mean, technically no? My footwear is attached to the suit, it's all one piece." He raises his foot up so the camera can see before putting it back down. "And I guess technically it's more of a boot than a shoe. But civilian Spidey definitely wears shoes. I've got a great pair of Vans that Tony bought me for my last birthday, they're my fave. Thanks Tony!" The fabric around his mouth crinkles as he smiles at the camera.

"_Does Spider-Man have a healing factor?_ Yes! I do. Which comes in handy when I get badly hurt, which, thankfully, isn't too frequent. It's not so handy, however, when civilian Spidey gets hurt and has to hide his quick healing from people who know he's hurt but don't know he's Spider-Man! Especially small things like minor cuts or bruises, which heal pretty quickly." Spider-Man shrugs.

"_Does Spider-Man kill?_ Wow, you guys ask this one a lot, hey? I've been hearing this one frequently." He shifts in his chair to get more comfortable. "The answer is no, I do not kill. My webs and gadgets function as deterrents and restraints only, I don't use anything with lethal force. You'll never catch me using blades or firearms. Personal tragedy in my life guarantees I will never use a gun. Think what you will of me, but I would not wish what I went through on my greatest enemy. I work hard every day to prevent other families from feeling that same tragedy." His serious tone softens and his lenses narrow in a light smile, "I like to think I've made a difference in a few lives."

He shakes himself out of his dark thoughts and peels back the next paper, "_Does Spider-Man age?_" Spider-Man barks out a laugh, "Of course I age! What, you thought I came out at birth looking like this?" He spreads his arms wide open, the board dangling from his fingers. "I'll grant you that I'm not exceptionally tall, but I think it would be a bit difficult to give birth to these shoulders." He pointedly shrugs his broad, muscular shoulders and chuckles. "A lot of people have noticed I sound kind of young and that Tony sometimes calls me, 'Kid'. That's not to say I'm exceptionally young, he's just very, very old." He gives the camera a saucy wink. "But yes, I am a young man. I'll give you a broad age range of eighteen to twenty-five."

He reaches for the next strip of paper and tears it off the board with a slight shudder. "You know I've never had to tear paper like this with enhanced senses. I don't think I'm a big fan of this sensation." He flicks the paper away with disgust.

"_Does Spider-Man feel pain?_ Why, are you planning to punch me? In which case yes, I feel pain, please don't punch me." He gives the camera a wide-eyed, innocent look before continuing, "People tend to assume that because I have super strength that I also have some sort of invulnerability to pain as well, but that's false. I feel pain the same as you all do, I've just been in this business a while and have learned how to take a punch so I guess I make it look easy. It's not, it still really hurts. Please stop punching me."

He pulls off the last strip on the board with a whine. "_Does Spider-Man eat bugs?_" He cocks his head to the side and gives the camera a disappointed look, "You guys know I'm not actually a spider, right? Like, you understand that the whole spider thing is mostly aesthetic?" He gestures vaguely at his costume. "AND-" He points sternly at the camera, "You can quit it with the cannibal jokes. On average, we all probably consume several bugs in our sleep a year, but arachnids are too smart to climb into your mouth. So give it a rest, we don't eat spiders in our sleep."

He hurls the board behind him with relish and catches a new board tossed at him.

"_What does_," Spider-Man reads off the new board before ripping the first paper quickly, hoping it wouldn't feel so gross. His groan reveals it didn't help at all. "_What does Spider-Man wear under his suit?_" He looks up at the camera and his eye lenses flare as though he is waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "I'm not that kinda girl, try buying me dinner first."

He giggles at his joke as he rips off the next strip. The paper tears in half, leaving most of the question still covered. He tries again, once more leaving a chunk of the paper covering the words. He makes an annoyed noise and tries again, this time successful. "_What does Spider-Man do for a living?_" He looks deadpan into the camera, "Spider-Man is unemployed because he doesn't get paid for what he does. Civilian Spidey, on the other hand," he leans forward as though he's about to impart a secret before leaning back and waving a hand at the camera to shoo it away. "C'mon guys, obviously I can't tell you that."

He tears off the third strip of paper and reads aloud, "_What does Spider-Man look like?_" He snorts and shakes his head, disappointed. "I can definitely answer this one," he begins in a sarcastic voice. He pauses to contemplate his answer and recalls, "I've already had this conversation with the Avengers actually. Tony said I look like a menacing floppy-eared puppy. Sam, the Falcon, said I look like a grown-ass man who parades around in a red and blue onesie. He's not wrong. Cap and Bucky both said I look like a punk. That's not really saying I dress like an actual punk, that's just their best insult. They need to work on that."

He chuckles to himself and shifts to get more comfortable as he rips off the next strip of paper. "_What does Spider-Man call his suit?_ That's a good question! That depends on what suit I'm wearing, I actually have several. I might do a video at some point and show off a few, if you guys are interested. The one I'm wearing right now," he gestures at his body to show off his typical red and blue costume, with the addition of a spikey white spider on his chest and white accents on his arms and knuckles, "I call the Advanced Suit. It's the most recent addition and was designed and created by me in the lab at the Avengers compound. Tony very generously supplied me with my materials and resources. I've also got an all black suit called the Stealth Suit, a suit Tony made me called the Stark Suit, a nanotech suit that Tony made me called the Iron Spider, and my first suit that Tony calls glorified pajamas."

Spider-Man laughs and nearly drops the board. He fumbles it before straightening and ripping off the paper. "_What does Spider-Man do for fun?_" He looks up at the camera and one lens flares as though he is raising an eyebrow, "That would insinuate that I have free time, which I don't. When I'm not Spidey, I spend a lot of time in the lab, developing tech for me and the Avengers. That's not exactly free time but I still consider it fun! Wow that's actually kind of sad, isn't it? I work for fun. Then again I don't think it's possible to be a superhero and not be a workaholic." He strokes his chin in thought, "Actually, come to think of it, I don't think I actually do know a hero that isn't a workaholic. And I know a lot of heroes, so I guess I'm in good company!"

Spider-Man rips the paper off the last question and reads it in his head before laughing incredulously. "_What does Spider-Man smell like?_ Not gonna lie, I've never seen that one before. You guys are strange." He shakes his head and sighs, "I mean I guess it depends on the day? Sometimes I smell like dumpster if it's been an interesting night. New York is a filthy place. Sometimes urine, if a scared civilian loses control of their bodily functions. It's happened more than once but I try not to make anyone feel bad about it, it's scary stuff sometimes and they have no control over it. Other times, if I've seen a lot of action, I probably smell like sweat and or blood. Yes," he nods gravely at the camera, "Spidey sweats and bleeds. News at eleven!" He snorts. " That superhero life ain't glamorous! Let's just say I shower a lot. Civilian Spidey doesn't really smell like anything. I find scents bother my enhanced senses, so I use unscented soaps and laundry detergent and avoid cologne."

He accepts a new board and rips the paper for the next question. "_Is Spider-Man dead?_ Uhhh," he pointedly pats down his legs and chest and sighs in relief, "He is not dead! But thanks for being concerned about it, I guess?"

Spider-Man tears at the next paper twice before he manages to get it off, "_Is Spider-Man an Avenger?_ He is not! Not yet, anyway. Who knows what the future will bring!

"_Can Spider-Man run out of web_," he reads off the board. "Well of course I can." He reaches down to eject a small cartridge from a device at his wrist, filled with a milky fluid. "This is my web fluid. It's not biological, I synthesize it in my lab with chemicals. When it gets low, I replace it with a new cartridge! Easy peasy! Not so fun if that happens in the middle of something though. My newer suits have an artificial intelligence built in, called Karen. She monitors things and warns me when my levels are getting low. Nifty!"

Spider-Man dramatically reveals the next question with a flourish, "_Can Spider-Man lift Mjolnir?_" He regards the camera, eye lenses narrowed, and answers in a coy voice, "He can."

Spider-Man reads the next question silently before reading it aloud with a quiet laugh, "_Can Spider-Man get drunk?_ Why? Are you planning to buy me a beer or are you just curious?" He rubs the back of his head. "Yeah, I've been drunk. Generally, I choose not to drink though. I dunno, I kind of consider myself on call all the time, if that makes sense? Anything could come up at anytime, especially since there are unfortunately unfriendly people who know who I am. They've kept their mouth shut for now, but as Mad Eye Moody from Harry Potter says, 'Constant vigilance!'"

He rips the last paper from the board, "_Can Spider-Man fly?_" He laughs, "Man, I wish! Having wings like Falcon or repulsors like Iron Man would be super cool, but I feel like swinging from my webs isn't really that far off. It's incredibly freeing and just a dash scary."

Spider-Man flings the board to the right and catches the next one, "Alright, last board!" He struggles with the first strip of paper sticking to the board too much before finally succeeding, "_Has Spider-Man ever killed anyone?_ We already answered this one, I think. No, not directly. And that's all I'll get into about that."

He clears his throat uncomfortably and moves into the next one, "_Where did Spider-Man get his powers?_ Yeah this is probably the one I get the most besides who am I. I don't really want to get into this one too deep, just in case someone tries to recreate what happened. First of all, we don't need anymore weirdos like me running around, secondly I almost died. So I don't want anyone going through that. I'll give you a vague answer that it was an accident and it involved a spider."

Spider-Man reads the next question before laughing and pointing at it, "_Who is Spider-Man?_ There it is!" He shakes his head in exasperation, "The single most asked question. I don't know, who am I? Who are any of us?" He shrugs. "Honestly you guys, I'm super lame and boring. You'd be disappointed if you knew my real identity, I think. It's probably better that you don't know who I am and just continue to think I'm cool." He suddenly points accusingly at the camera and asks sternly, "You do think I'm cool, right?"

He reads the next question with a groan, "_Who is Spider-Man's girlfriend?_ I've actually never confirmed that I have a girlfriend. I only mentioned in the Hot Ones interview I did recently that I have a lady friend. I'm kinda regretting talking about that now, actually! Regardless, I'm not confirming anything, nor will I give you my friend's name."

He moves on quickly to the next question, "_Who is Spider-Man's worst enemy?_ Wellllll," he prevaricates, "I actually get asked this sometimes, and I don't like to answer it because it gives too much attention to people who don't deserve your attention. So I think I'll answer it unexpectedly with: myself." Spider-Man nods at the camera. "I suffer self doubt like most people, and feel like I can be my greatest enemy sometimes. I think at the very least we're all our own worst critic, if not our greatest enemy. I ask myself all the time, 'Am I doing the right thing? Should I keep going? Should I unmask?' It's hard to know what the right answer is. But what can I say? No self respecting superhero is without a tragic backstory and crippling self doubt."

He rips off the last paper with a shudder and a sigh of relief, "Last one! _Who is Spider-Man's favorite Avenger?_ Are you people trying to get me killed? Do you know how competitive the Avengers are?" He flings the board away and crosses his arms, "The only possible way I can answer this and retain my life and or my genitals is: Pepper Potts. I don't care what you say, that woman is a queen and she is an Avenger and I will fight you on that. And if the other Avengers don't like my answer, they can look Pepper square in the eye and tell her that and she can demonstrate why she's a queen and an Avenger."

Spider-Man's eyes squint as he smiles and gives a friendly wave to the camera, "Thanks for unsettling me with all the paper ripping, it's been a slice."

Comments:

**WeDontTalkAboutThisAccount**

Spiderman: You'd be disappointed if you met me for real

Us: You're wrong

Also Spiderman: It's been a slice

Us: Oh, there it is

**Angel**

Spiderman struggling with paper: me, everyday at college

**18Name27**

"No self respecting superhero is without a tragic backstory and crippling self doubt." ouch

**Flicker_of5sos**

He's just very, very old. Spidey getting savage! I love how he casually roasts the avengers all the time

**Kares**

Damn, I wonder which one of his relatives was shot and killed? Must have been someone close to him. Maybe a parent?

**Meme**

Me, on life: Please stop punching me.

**lovelyjourneys**

HAHAHA how many times are people quoting that fact about eating spiders in your sleep at him if he has to call them out in a wired interview

**sinnamontae**

It has only just occurred to me that he doesn't get paid for being Spidey and does it in his "free" time. Damn! I stan (1) wholesome boi

**kitty22803**

Omg i think i would actually die if i accidentally peed on Spidey. He's so nice about it though!

**saucysquatch**

Spidey opening up about his self doubt got me right in the feels. Please don't quit, Spidey, we need you!

**Dumbledork**

I didn't think I could love this spidery boy any more than I did but then he quoted Harry Potter

**amillionmiles**

Aaaahhhhh Spiderman loving Pepper Potts is so sweet! And Stark can't even fight him about it because it's his own fiancee hahaha smart move!

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

I'd pee on you any day on purpose, baby boy. hmu


End file.
